Dear Neurotypicals.
Ok, let's start this off correctly. I am not a relationship expert. Not in the slightest. Nor are any of the people who I feature on this. But recently, I asked a few autistic groups on Facebook about relationships. Specifically, relationships between someone who is Neurotypical and someone on the Autistic Spectrum. I asked this question:
"If you were in a relationship with someone who is neurotypical, what would be the one thing you wanted them to know moving forward?"
I asked this question on one autistic group, as well as many friends on the spectrum, so it is not a definitive cross section of autistic people. But I was interested to see the results. Here are a few of the answers, some of which transcend borders!
Here is mine:
'My Aspergers will cause me to think in many different ways, sometimes the wrong way to what is intended. I will misunderstand and I will get things wrong. But please be patient, I don't mean to be a pain'.
Here are the others who very kindly contributed:
"Just because its obvious to you. Doesn't mean its obvious to me"
"Be clear and upfront in your communication. My feelings will not be hurt by you telling me I do something wrong, if I am actually doing something wrong!"
[Comment for the above: "This. Always has been a huge problem in my relationships because you can tell them as many times as you want but they still don't do it. They keep being afraid of my reactions and sensitivity and because of that, I won't be able to learn what's good and what's wrong. But the biggest problem with it, is that I never get the chance to explain things. When they're finally saying things, it's just a fight because they throw like 10 things at me at once and they don't even remember what exactly was the problem. How can a relationship with a NT person ever work if they are not up to talking about every difference between each other. They always seem to forget my "strange behaviour" can be because of my brain working differently and not knowing how the NT brain is thinking about stuff].
"My senses don't always work like other peoples and if I flinch from your touch it's not anything you've done wrong I simply can't process it at that moment".
"Uh... they’d already know the things they’d need to know. Btdt".
"That sometimes I need time to process what you say".
"The thing I would always want him to remember is that a lot of the time, I am okay. And that when I’m not, it’s not his fault. And that as long as he listens (which he is fantastic at doing), he’s doing everything he needs to".
"They have to understand some people are more frank and just because you don’t use social codes it doesn’t mean you’re rude. And that we can get exhausted from social situations".
"I may be brilliant in some things and clueless in others. But always honest and not playing drama mind games"
"You should be clear in your communication"
"I will be good to you, you be good to me; never lie because I'll never forget, and my obsessions might come first (unless you're having an emergency), but you're still my special person"
"A bit of patience is so valuable. For example, if I’m stressing about a sudden change in routine then jacks patience helps because he’ll be able to go through step by step what we’re doing instead so it’s not muddled in my head. Some patience can stop a situation from escalating into a meltdown and keep me calm"
"I take everything literally and don't know when you're joking. Be clear. Don't imply".
"Please realize that I am autistic, not perfect. When I screw up, I am very hard on myself... I am trying to improve daily but I fall short"
"The most important thing to know is that, as an autistic person, I will misread your emotions".
"Don't expect me to follow social conventions, and expect me to do weird-ass things and not care".
"I can get overwhelmed quite easily, if I withdraw from you, let me have some time to regroup. I need to be alone in silence, it’s not because I don’t love you. Oh, and let me stim or I’ll explode!"
"I'd want him to know that things are complex --and expecting me to over simplify when the complexity of the whole is infinitely elegant, well, please. Refrain please, from ever attempting to patronize me or shut me up. Polite suggestions that it's not a line of personally intriguing content, or the right time to discuss, I can hear. I'll respect you immensely for *all* of your characteristics, while you appreciate my gifts of vision and my aptitudes for listening, and adore me lovingly"
Of course, this is not a definitive list of requests from people on the Autism Spectrum. But hopefully, it'll give some of you an insight into what people with ASD want their prospective (or indeed current) partners to know. Of course, ASD is a complex thing and cannot be explained in one simple blog post. But hearing some of the stories sent to me by others on the spectrum have been heartwarming and interesting. Ranging from one person who told me that they constantly worry they've annoyed their partner only to overthink (I think we can all relate there) to another telling me that her anxiety/panics are so bad that she and her fiancee often have to rent places out for a time so that they have the place to themselves.
Of course, if anyone reading this have any more questions, please feel free to ask. It's better to ask and be informed than not and remain in the dark. Understanding is brilliant after all!
"I take everything literally and don't know when you're joking. Be clear. Don't imply".
"Please realize that I am autistic, not perfect. When I screw up, I am very hard on myself... I am trying to improve daily but I fall short"
"The most important thing to know is that, as an autistic person, I will misread your emotions".
"Don't expect me to follow social conventions, and expect me to do weird-ass things and not care".
"I can get overwhelmed quite easily, if I withdraw from you, let me have some time to regroup. I need to be alone in silence, it’s not because I don’t love you. Oh, and let me stim or I’ll explode!"
"I'd want him to know that things are complex --and expecting me to over simplify when the complexity of the whole is infinitely elegant, well, please. Refrain please, from ever attempting to patronize me or shut me up. Polite suggestions that it's not a line of personally intriguing content, or the right time to discuss, I can hear. I'll respect you immensely for *all* of your characteristics, while you appreciate my gifts of vision and my aptitudes for listening, and adore me lovingly"
Of course, this is not a definitive list of requests from people on the Autism Spectrum. But hopefully, it'll give some of you an insight into what people with ASD want their prospective (or indeed current) partners to know. Of course, ASD is a complex thing and cannot be explained in one simple blog post. But hearing some of the stories sent to me by others on the spectrum have been heartwarming and interesting. Ranging from one person who told me that they constantly worry they've annoyed their partner only to overthink (I think we can all relate there) to another telling me that her anxiety/panics are so bad that she and her fiancee often have to rent places out for a time so that they have the place to themselves.
Of course, if anyone reading this have any more questions, please feel free to ask. It's better to ask and be informed than not and remain in the dark. Understanding is brilliant after all!
All my thanks to: Nick, Maarten, Daniel, Melanie, Kit, Chris, Pete, Matt, Amelie, Ken, Vladimir, Emma, Kelly, Tommy, Eleanor, Tara, Angela and Maile.
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