Warning: This post is going to be disjointed in its structure. This is because I am writing this while I'm on a comedown from physical, emotional and mental numbness. Trigger warnings for suicide and mental health are in place.
It doesn't have a trigger really. It can happen at any point. It can literally just occur without warning and without reason. It's a terrifying thing.
One minute, you can be laughing, happy and joyous and then suddenly...nothing.
Nothing is scary. Feeling nothing. Thinking nothing. Perceiving very little and doing nothing.
You sit there and you realise that you're losing control.
Anxiety attacks for you usually consist of losing much of my physical, mental and emotional control but this is the next stage up.
This is a total loss of control.
5 years and 1 month to the day since you decided you were going to try and end your life. You try not to think about it in case the feeling returns. It's a scary thought but it's there.
Every second of it.
A grim reminder of what could've been. The only saving grace is your friend ringing the doorbell at the moment of execution, distracting you from the void.
You don't know if it's residual but it's still a horrifying thought that the feeling that took you there is lurking and laying in wait.
You feel helpless, a prisoner in your own head. You want to laugh but you can't. You want to cry but your tears are being forced back.
You want to approach someone but you can't.
You desperately want someone to hug you and tell you everything's going to be ok but you know from past experience that your head and your body will reject any physical contact attempted, offered or forced.
You want to talk to someone but you can't.
The thought runs through your head and, because of the lack of emotion and reason you're experiencing, you just simply agree. You agree for the simplicity and the quiet.
Maybe if you agree with it, it'll just move on, the sentiment will just go away.
Only it doesn't.
So you sit there. You know your body is not currently your own because you've lost control. It can move but you feel as if the movements are not yours.
You just sit there, wait it out however long it takes and just hope it goes quickly.
Sometimes it can go in 10 minutes, sometimes it takes hours. Either way, time becomes irrelevant.
Your mind is empty except for a band of bad thoughts running around. You just stare into space.
Distract yourself from what's going on.
Only because it's in your mind, you can almost feel it too. You can feel the distress flow through you but, for some reason, you can't seem to physically express this distress. It's almost like it's being blocked from notice.
You want to tremble, shake or something similar, but you can't because you're physically numb too.
You try and take back some control. You try to think about the good things in your life. Your dog. The people you care about.
You think about your family, your friends, anyone you consider special and dear to you in the hope that the image of their face, their smile or some other memory will break this stalemate.
But, no.
Instead your mind's eye is replaying with your traumas, your insecurities and in rare cases distorted images of people you care about putting you down.
You try your best to overcome this but you ultimately know you're going to lose. You know there's no escape from this until it decides it's had enough.
You can feel your energy drain from you.
You don't want to eat.
You don't want to socialize but you don't want to be alone.
And the only thing you can do is...exist. Despite the fact you feel like you shouldn't.
3 hours and 19 minutes after it starts, you can finally feel some physical sensation again.
You can feel a slight tingle in your hands. Finally, it's almost over. You can feel some control returning. It's a nice feeling.
The feeling of normality returning.
You can feel tiredness and you can feel drained. The traumas, the distorted faces and everything are gone. And you're back in the room you started with now.
You get so caught up in realizing it's over that you forget one key detail. You forget that you have no idea if anyone else goes through this or if it's just you.
It's real for you, but no one's going to believe a word you say.
Why would they?
The experience ends with 3 terrifying conclusions.
It doesn't have a trigger really. It can happen at any point. It can literally just occur without warning and without reason. It's a terrifying thing.
One minute, you can be laughing, happy and joyous and then suddenly...nothing.
Nothing is scary. Feeling nothing. Thinking nothing. Perceiving very little and doing nothing.
You sit there and you realise that you're losing control.
Anxiety attacks for you usually consist of losing much of my physical, mental and emotional control but this is the next stage up.
This is a total loss of control.
5 years and 1 month to the day since you decided you were going to try and end your life. You try not to think about it in case the feeling returns. It's a scary thought but it's there.
Every second of it.
A grim reminder of what could've been. The only saving grace is your friend ringing the doorbell at the moment of execution, distracting you from the void.
You don't know if it's residual but it's still a horrifying thought that the feeling that took you there is lurking and laying in wait.
You feel helpless, a prisoner in your own head. You want to laugh but you can't. You want to cry but your tears are being forced back.
["No, no, you can't let anyone see this. I'm not going to let you advertise what's going on here"].
You want to approach someone but you can't.
You desperately want someone to hug you and tell you everything's going to be ok but you know from past experience that your head and your body will reject any physical contact attempted, offered or forced.
You want to talk to someone but you can't.
["Why would they listen? Why would they care? They have their own lives and you're so very selfish to want to bother them with this"].
The thought runs through your head and, because of the lack of emotion and reason you're experiencing, you just simply agree. You agree for the simplicity and the quiet.
Maybe if you agree with it, it'll just move on, the sentiment will just go away.
Only it doesn't.
So you sit there. You know your body is not currently your own because you've lost control. It can move but you feel as if the movements are not yours.
You just sit there, wait it out however long it takes and just hope it goes quickly.
Sometimes it can go in 10 minutes, sometimes it takes hours. Either way, time becomes irrelevant.
Your mind is empty except for a band of bad thoughts running around. You just stare into space.
Distract yourself from what's going on.
Only because it's in your mind, you can almost feel it too. You can feel the distress flow through you but, for some reason, you can't seem to physically express this distress. It's almost like it's being blocked from notice.
You want to tremble, shake or something similar, but you can't because you're physically numb too.
You try and take back some control. You try to think about the good things in your life. Your dog. The people you care about.
You think about your family, your friends, anyone you consider special and dear to you in the hope that the image of their face, their smile or some other memory will break this stalemate.
But, no.
Instead your mind's eye is replaying with your traumas, your insecurities and in rare cases distorted images of people you care about putting you down.
You try your best to overcome this but you ultimately know you're going to lose. You know there's no escape from this until it decides it's had enough.
You can feel your energy drain from you.
You don't want to eat.
You don't want to socialize but you don't want to be alone.
And the only thing you can do is...exist. Despite the fact you feel like you shouldn't.
[You shouldn't be here]
[Nothing should be here]
[Why is everything continuing, it should all be gone]
[You shouldn't be here]
[You shouldn't exist]
[Why do you exist?]
3 hours and 19 minutes after it starts, you can finally feel some physical sensation again.
You can feel a slight tingle in your hands. Finally, it's almost over. You can feel some control returning. It's a nice feeling.
The feeling of normality returning.
You can feel tiredness and you can feel drained. The traumas, the distorted faces and everything are gone. And you're back in the room you started with now.
You get so caught up in realizing it's over that you forget one key detail. You forget that you have no idea if anyone else goes through this or if it's just you.
It's real for you, but no one's going to believe a word you say.
Why would they?
The experience ends with 3 terrifying conclusions.
1. They're getting longer.
2. There's nothing you can do about this.
3. Until someone else tells you they go through a similar experience to this, you're completely and utterly alone.
And number 3 is the scariest one...
Please understand something about this post.
I started experiencing these events 4 years ago.
I started experiencing these events 4 years ago.
I understand that a lot of this sounds fantastical. But I promise you, this is something I go through quite a bit. And, unfortunately for me, they seem to be getting longer, more intense and more frequent.
When it comes to my mental health, I'm usually good at maintaining it on a day to day basis. I don't feel the need for therapy or psychiatry, I don't need medication to curb my anxiety or whatever the bloody hell this is, but these experiences seem to be getting more frequent. They used to be rare.
I'm not writing this post for attention. I'm not writing it to say "oh look, my mental health's worse than yours" because that would be a horribly offensive thing to write or maintain.
I'm writing it solely to share my experience. One of the things people say about mental health is that the need to talk about it is important. As this blog is called 'Open Book', I feel the need to live up to that commitment.
But this is my story. This is my experience. And this all happened again tonight. It did last 3 hours and 19 minutes, it started out of nowhere and for no reason. And I tried desperately to think about a few people in particular, but to no avail.
I don't know if people experience something similar to this, or even something just like this. I don't know. I'm not going to reserve judgement either way. I don't want pity, I don't want well-wishes or for someone to tell me it's brave to talk about this or something. I just want it on record that this sort of shit can happen. It does happen. It might not happen to everyone, but let me assure you, it's like being in your own personal hell.
Even though I'm out of it now, you still don't feel you can cry.
You just carry on.
As always.
Until it inevitably happens again.
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